Silence
by Huggle
Summary: When a simple mission ends horrifically, Sheppard is traumatised and left struggling to cope. [3906 Rating changed to T thanks, Emrys1]


Disclaimer: SGA and its characters etc don't belong to me.

A/N: This story is unbetaed and my first SGA fic for constructive criticism more than welcome. Thanks.

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The little girl is screaming now and he feels like such a cold bastard for saying it but he has to because she's going to get them all killed. "You need to keep her quiet." Even as he speaks he takes one hand briefly from his P90 and presses it gently against the child's cheek, feeling the furnace heat from her face.

The mother hugs her so tightly that Sheppard imagines he can hear bones break. The high pitched keening subsides into snuffles and faint sobs and he blocks them out because he needs to focus, he needs to listen and fuck, they're right on them-

He is up, suddenly, appearing from the ditch they'd sought cover in, that he'd driven them down into. He fires into the darkness and his P90 stutters in his hands, spitting lead so fast he can't see the bullets but he can see the effect as the bodies of their pursuers jerk and snap in a bizarre dance before falling still in the grass. But there are twenty of them and they were closer than he thought and he's on his own here; no way he can get them all before they reach the ditch.

He gets most of them though so only three actually make it down to where they are and it's too close now for the P90 so he ditches it, draws his 9mm and shoots one in the head before the other two are on him. He lets rip then, lets its out like he hasn't since the Genii tried to take his city, not really. And then he is breathing hard, not just from exertion, and they are dead, both of them and his knife is bloody and so is he.

And his radio is crackling, a familiar voice breaking through to him, grounding him. "Colonel Sheppard, we are approaching your position, do not fire. I repeat, do not fire." He bends to pick up his P90, shoves the strap across his shoulder then realises belatedly he should clean his knife. He wipes it on his trouser leg and turns to glance quickly at the people sheltering behind him. Fifteen in total. Out of maybe sixty.

But it's better than none.

Then Teyla and Ronon are there, jumping down easily beside him and there is tacit approval in Ronon's eyes as he surveys the fallen enemy and all he can think is _where the fuck were you two hours ago?_ But he doesn't say because he knows they'd have been here if they could. So they start helping the villagers up out of the ditch and he's fine but not-fine until he reaches the woman and realises why the child was so silent after a few moments and then that's it for him and Ronon takes him down to the ground and pins him there.

------

Now it's Carson's turn to do the pinning. Not as strong as Ronon but he's still a broad man and right now, Radek Zelenka could hold him down without raising his heart rate. But still, he's a fighter and don't they just get it that he needs to be left alone? There's a nurse there and she is struggling to catch his arm and inject him but he's lashing out and she disappears from view with a sharp cry and then Carson is on him, literally on him, stopping him wriggling long enough for some other bitch to stab him and then it's done.

------

He comes to with acid in his veins and bile in his mouth and a throat that feels like something coated with sandpaper wriggled down there while he was out. Features resolve themselves and he is staring up at Rodney McKay and the hands start to go, fluttering like nervous little birds, not sure if it's safe to land.

"I heard. What happened. I mean, not all of it, but enough. Was it – I mean, of course it was. But you – are you alright?"

He doesn't know what he looks like but he has a good idea. And he remembers hitting some poor nurse. And he remembers screaming and threatening and fighting in Ronon's arms and wanting to kill things, and there's that part still in him but it's fading now. Something else is absorbing it and all he can think of is Rodney staring down at him, seeing him, knowing _enough_ and still asking is he alright?

He starts to laugh and it's full of desperation and hurt so bad that not all the morphine in the world can stop it, and it feels like he is literally tearing muscles and ligaments as it takes him, twisting him in on himself and Rodney tries to touch him but doesn't and then he's off yelling for Carson. And he knows what's coming, welcomes it this time, welcomes the always soothing _there, there_ that he's heard so many times accompanying him part of the way down into darkness.

------

When he awakes there is someone different at his bedside. Kate Heightmeyer is sitting quietly in a chair, watching him. He lets her, sensing she's waiting for him to speak but not quite sure of what to say. _I'm fine _is probably not going to cut it but he knows from previous 'forced' consults with this woman that he needs to work out what she expects from him.

"How are you?" she says finally, showing no impatience with the silence and the unintended game of 'who'll blink first'.

It's a surprisingly difficult question although it shouldn't be. He is sore everywhere, but there is no ventilator and although he can feel bandages in a few places and a tight sensation somewhere that tells him he's had stitches, he's woken up in the infirmary in far worse states and knows deep inside that one of these days he'll be brought in here and not wake up at all.

So all things considered _I'm fine _is probably the most accurate answer he could give. That he wants to give anyway.

He doesn't though. It's in her face, battle ready in the most non committal of ways; they've both been here before. She's had a chance to warm up though and he's coming in cold. Not fair. But they'll go a few rounds although he senses this time he'll be on the mat before long, her pinning him while he tries to get out from under.

He's had enough of being pinned for one day.

"Go away," he says simply and though the movement sets the room to spinning with the pain, he turns over and shows her his back. Let her take the shot if she wants.

After a moment he hears her heels clicking away.

------

_This is nice, he says simply, his mouth in a smile while his eyes warn Ronon no, don't you dare. Ronon sighs and settles back waiting while the friendly villagers who are happy to trade with them and provide them a bolt hole should they ever need it say grace over the meal and then it's done and Sheppard nods and Ronon starts tucking in._

_Teyla is smiling at his quiet restraint of the big man, something Sheppard has become as adept at as he is at handling Rodney's primadonna fits of pique. Is this his role in life, he wonders? Human buffer zone between the Pegasus Galaxy and Rodney's tantrums and Ronon's – well and just Ronon? He grins to himself – if it is, then life isn't too bad at all. Of course, if either man knew he'd just thought that, they would join forces and when they get back to the city he'll find himself locked out of his room in not even his underwear._

_The fruit juice they serve is so tangy he can't take more than a sip of it and he's glad Rodney's not here because most of the food seems to have a citrus taste to it although it could be that the juice has totally beaten his taste buds into submission. But for once the lab won out and really it's not a problem, because this is a mission with no technology on offer; the villagers are agrarian and food is pretty much all they have to offer, that and a beta site if things get bad. It's enough._

_Then the young man on Ronon's right is mentioning the temple a little way up the hill – a place where the warriors among their ancestors are remembered and reverenced. They may be pacifist now but they are always respectful of those who fought and died for them. Something in that moves Ronon, and Teyla and it touches Sheppard too. He can see they want to go; he nods his acceptance, it won't hurt for them to have a little downtime and really all he needs to do here is smile and be gracious and not do anything or let anything happen to ruin the treaty they've got. He can do that. _

_So Teyla and Ronon go, following the young man in the near dusk and by the time they return night will have fallen but Sheppard will wait up for them, just to make sure they're back alright and maybe hear what they thought of the temple, what it was like._

_It's as well that he did._

_------_

The thing of it is, he can't lie here forever. Beckett disappeared suddenly a while ago and other than the odd nurse that meanders past, he's on his own here.

So he gets up, aware for the first time he's in scrubs – _when did that happen –_ and pads out of the infirmary. Teyla and Ronon did pop their heads in briefly but somehow he didn't want to see them and he made that plain.

_Got some bridges to mend there. But it'll keep; they know what a lousy patient I am._

He's barefoot and the floor is cold but it's okay. He knows where he's headed – his balcony where he can get some time to himself. Lately he hasn't had to go there so much; things were quiet for a while and there weren't that many problems. But he should have been waiting for the other shoe to drop.

They'll find him there when they start to look but he'll make the most of it. He leans on the railing. The wind is up, spraying him with a light rain. He doesn't mind – it's kind of refreshing and it blows away the last of the fogginess from the sedative. He is cold now, though. Really cold. His arms are covered with goose pimples and he shivers, wishing that maybe he'd stopped by his room to at least dress.

Then the door opens behind him and Rodney is there. "Saw you sneaking out. Carson's going to start laying bear traps – or maybe ask me to put a force field around the infirmary for when you're in residence."

He smiles and gives a low chuckle. "Atlantis'll get me out of it."

"Because you're her wonder boy."

He knows Rodney's gotten over his initial jealousy of Sheppard's natural gene and the way the city responds to him like she does to no one else. So now it's mutual teasing and it grounds him a little so he decides to keep it up.

"She just likes me, is all. What's not to like?"

Then Rodney is behind him and his left arm is being shoved into Rodney's jacket, then his right and Rodney is turning him around, zipping it up. "You're going to freeze if you stay out here. You look like a puppy left out all night in the rain."

Sheppard stares at him. "A puppy."

Rodney shrugs. "C'mon." He grabs Sheppard's arm and steers him towards the door.

"Back to the infirmary?" His voice is resigned to it.

"Nope," Rodney says. "I think it's the last place you need to be. And for once I'll chance Carson's wrath." He gives Sheppard a look that says plainly _see the risks I take for you_.

------

_He's sitting out by the camp fire, a hand outstretched to the warmth when the first screams reach his ears. He's up, ready and then nearly bowled over by the young woman who so graciously explained to him earlier that the runny liquid in the small cups wasn't actually for drinking. Oh well, live and learn._

_She's different now though – her mouth is open, she's trying to speak but the words are stuck in her throat and all she can do is point, back towards the woods that border the south of the village, finger jabbing at the air like a spear. He pushes her back, away from the fire and down to the ground where she is hidden in the darkness and takes off at a run, slowing only when he reaches the cover of the first hut. _

_Wraith, he's thinking. But Teyla would have radioed him. Unless she and Ronon…. Nope. Not thinking that way. So, Genii? Bigfoot? What? The only population centres on this planet are few and far between and they see each other rarely, too rarely to fall out. At least that was the impression he got. This was the haven they'd been searching for. Apparently._

_And then he realises there's a strange sound from inside the hut, something so not right he is moving before he knows he is, kicking in the door, shining the torch on his gun around the dwelling, letting it come to rest just there and oh, god, he is not seeing this, he's not._

_He fires and then pushes the body aside, but it's too late for the old man underneath. His throat is open, and there is blood spurting up in a crimson arc. Sheppard spins, checking before he emerges from the hut and the people are running and some of them are being pursued, brought down and for an instant he is lost among it all._

_Then he hears her voice on his radio. "Colonel Sheppard, we heard gunfire. Are you alright?"_

_He realises they've been calling him more than once when Ronon's voice rumbles at him. "Sheppard, do you require assistance?"_

_He takes a second, just a second to let his mind catch up to how much shit he's in. _

_"Absolutely," he says, then raises the P90 and starts to fire._

_------_

It is Ronon who manoeuvres him into the bathroom, wordlessly strips him, towels him off and then dresses him in a warm sweatshirt and jog pants. He is too tired, too cold, and too goddamn sore to protest and he reckons with the amount of times he's been injured on missions with only Ronon's battlefield first aid to keep him going, the Satedan's probably seen everything he has to offer. So he can be cold or embarrassed.

He hates to be cold.

Then he is back in his bedroom and Teyla is holding up a blanket which she puts over him once Rodney has him lying on the bed.

"You three are worse than Carson," he grumbles but it's clear he is comforted.

They sit, Ronon on the floor leaning back against the bed, Rodney in the chair near the door, Teyla with one slim thigh pressed against Sheppard's and he can feel her warmth even through the thick blanket.

"I'm sorry," he begins but Teyla's hand is on his shoulder, halting him.

"Colonel, you have no reason to apologise. You underwent a very traumatic experience. It is Ronon and I who are sorry for not being able to reach you sooner." There is regret in her eyes and when he looks at Ronon, he can see the same thing there. He knows they've spoken of this and the last thing he needs is them thinking they let him down.

"I think you guys were busy enough trying not to get your throats ripped out. Wouldn't have been much use to me then, huh? Really, you both did great. And Rodney I'm sorry I kind of lost it in front of you in the infirmary." He winces as he remembers his return to Atlantis. "Actually maybe I should just go on the comm. And apologise to everybody at once because I think I freaked in front of pretty much everybody."

Ronon shrugs. "Living and working around McKay they're probably used to it."

"Hey!"

Sheppard grins. "But still…." He's not sure how he'll do it though.

"I am sure no apology is necessary, Colonel Sheppard. They are your friends, they will understand." There is something in Teyla's voice that says they had better.

Rodney leans forward, arms on knees. "Guess those things freaked you out, huh."

Sheppard's turn to shrug: "Not so much." Well, actually, a lot and given he's been _stroked_ by Wraith – and he really wishes they wouldn't seem to do that every time he runs into them – that's saying something. Throw him around a bit, drain the life out of him, but please let's have no more of the inappropriate creepy physical contact. "It's just…."

But it's just what? He's been in situations this bad before. They just seem to come around more often in the Pegasus Galaxy. Still, he knows there is a reason for his reaction but it seems to dance just out of his reach and he frowns with the effort of trying to grab at it. It's when Rodney goes to speak again, and Teyla says simply _sssh, _that oh, God, it is there, up close and personal and he starts to shake and Teyla has her arms around him.

"I told her," he says. "I told her she had to keep the child quiet. They were near, Teyla. They were following her screams right to us. But I never thought she'd do that!"

Teyla says nothing but she is humming something under her breath and he thinks he heard her sing it once. She is looking at Ronon and he remembers at least as Dex held him down, controlling his sudden fit of rage and horror when he just couldn't hold onto it any longer, seeing Teyla try to take the limp form but the mother held on fiercely and somehow scrambled out of the ditch on her own and ran.

The rest of them had just stood and watched as Dex had put his arms around Sheppard, hugging him to his chest in a near mirror image of the way that woman had held her child, except Sheppard is still alive afterwards and still struggling when Dex picks him up and literally jumps onto the edge of the ditch and follows Teyla into the night.

He guesses he slept for a while. When he awakes, the three of them are still there. Rodney is snoozing in the chair; Ronon is still sitting by the bed eyes closed and yet awake. Teyla's head is against his own, her arms protectively around his shoulders. He shifts slightly, stiff from not moving and he knows she too is awake when her embrace tightens.

"I'm okay," he says. He reaches up to clasp the arm against his chest in his hands, needing to be as close to her as he can. When he turns his head, she leans forward and he expects the traditional Athosian gesture of pressing her forehead to his. Instead her lips brush his forehead lightly, almost imperceptibly.

"I know," she says. "And we are here for you, John."

Sheppard nods. He knows.


End file.
